Healing Myself

It's been more than a month since last post but I've had a very hectic time, especially at work. I survived layoffs by a hair, I'm sure. My bosses called me out on my unusual behavior and they were very understanding.

I came upon another big realization that had really hindered my healing. I am not owning my shit. His affairs are his own to blame, but some of our marital problems were my own through no fault of anyone else but me. While I thought I was owning my shit, I really wasn't. I was making excuses. Everything that I did that was counterproductive to a healthy marriage I was blaming it on him or work or other family members, but in reality I am the owner of all my arrogance, all my laziness, all my controlling behavior. Not to say there isn't shit for him to own in our marital problems, but those are his problems to deal with. I have to deal with mine.

I promise myself from now on to stop blaming external forces for my own internal weaknesses. I always thought I was disciplined, but I never qualified that statement to say that I am only disciplined with academic stuff. I am lazy everywhere else. I thought that I was not arrogant because when I'm wrong I admit it, but even then that is arrogant and not humble.

So now I am working on myself. I want to make a list of the things that I want to sincerely change about myself and then find ways to start the change.

But the first order of business is to stop being lazy; that means cleaning my work area. I have way too much stuff just piled everywhere.

Out to Lunch

I will be away from the internet for a long time. Everytime I go online, I feel like I do something to continuously self-destruct and I dwell on this crap too much that it has affected work. I've already been called on my poor performance by my boss. As it is with the economy, I cannot afford to lose my job as well. I will see if I write during the weekends, but in all honesty, I'm trying to remain occupied so I don't think about it 24/7.

So far I've lost faith in all men. Every man I talk to reveal to me that they have cheated before. Is it true or I'm a surrounded by losers? I know I am not going to be able to trust anyone again. It just won't happen.

I look forward to the single life, with or without male companionship.

So for now, I'm out to lunch.

Argggghhh!!!

I have the biggest urge to have a reverge affair! I won't compromise my morals but I HATE HIM for making me feel this way!!!

That's it. I just needed to get that out of my chest.

He is a Basketcase

I am completely convinced he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Abandonment, Co-Dependency, Sexual Addiction, and he is a Predator.

He confessed that he slept with an old friend before we were married. Slept twice with her and the only reason he didn't sleep more times was because she had come to the city to visit family and her vacation time was up. He confessed he seeks out women to stroke his ego; he looks for cybersex from friends and strangers; has no respect for women but sees them as objects. Well, he didn't exactly say all that but those are the conclusions I derived at. And he has been doing this since the beginning of our relationship. I don't know the man I married.

I told him I wanted things settled by July 1, by settled I guess I mean I want him out of the house, the marital assets disbursed and basically waiting for divorce papers to be served. I think I have a chance at annulment through the Church because of his indiscretion before marriage. I can argue I took the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony under false pretenses, and I feel more at ease about it.

He says he wants to change, and I really want him to. I want him to be the man that I thought he was, marry a nice girl, be faithful to her, and have a family. I truly want this for him. I told him I would be here to help him out in whatever he needs to mature and gain some kind of moral compass. I know his family does not offer the support and comfort he needs. His mother is a stoic, distant, egotistical person, his brothers are self-absorbed, and his sister is a loof. I will be his support if he needs it but I can't go on like this. In all honesty, I think I don't love him at all anymore, and I am so glad about it. I still care very much for him; I sympathize with him. I don't think that will change.

I got in contact with a lawyer; I asked him about our house since it has negative equity. I wasn't sure how that would be resolved. I'm hoping for a very painless divorce and annulment procedures. I already downloaded the annulment requirements and I will take a closer look today at the requirements.

I am actually looking forward to being single. I want to start portuguese classes and yoga; things that I never really pursued because it would have interfered with our quality time. I am also starting to research the possibility of adoption. This is something I always wanted and I think by the time I have saved enough for it, I will be financially and emotionally prepared to be a single parent. If not, then I have ample time to change my mind since I don't expect to be anywhere near adopting in the next five years. But it's something to look forward to.

I thank God that I am incredibly calm through all this. I have asked for nothing but strength and guidance. I ask the same for my stbxh.

Scatter-brained Update

I have been emotionally unavailable to write anything down partly because my family now knows and I've been leaning on my mom. These are some of the scattered-brained events and thoughts that have occurred since then:

Wednesday - May 6:
-he went to play soccer
-I looked at keylogger and discovered:
- he emailed her on May 1 telling her that I had asked for his email password and to not email until after 10pm
-the UFP is actually the other woman
-he had a special email folder for other woman which he deleted. parts of some of their correspondence begin with her calling him "my love"
-he emailed to her everything that was going on between us, every fight, every argument, etc.
-he had pictures of her on our desktop which he deleted
-he has been talking to another girl (an ex from high school). she calls him "my love, handsome" and he doesn't object to it
-he has remained in contact with this girl forever, so this makes me question everything in our relationship. I'm thinking our marriage is a fraud and I married under false pretenses.
-on May 4 or 5 he googled "how to hide phone number"
- found out he took a picture of himself sometime after January in our room (we just painted it). the last time he took a picture of himself, he opened an account on American Singles.
-I kicked him out on Wednesday night after he came home
-I called my cousin before that so that he was present. I didn't think the p.o.s. was going to hurt me or anything but I thought he would not leave if my cousin was not there.

Thursday - May 7:
- I packed all his shit out of my room
- I called all the credit cards that were under my name and deleted him as an authorized user
- he came by after work and asked for one more chance
- I gave it to him on several conditions to be mentioned below
- he told me there was nothing physical but they did exchange "I love you" a few times
- that he was attracted to her personality
- I had him write a "no contact" letter to the other woman and had him give me his password
- he didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought it would hurt me more. I don't think the p.o.s. quite understands that it's the constant lying that hurts me the most. I really feel it's an insult to my intelligence.
- said he googled the "hide phone number" crap because he just didn't want people to have his number (bullshit)
- said he stopped having any contact after Friday

Friday - May 8:
- kinda shady, I can't really remember anything but I know I didn't go to work

Saturday - May 9:
- we talked about how to fix our marriage problems some, but I don't think he is clear on what he wants in terms of the marriage, i.e.: he said he wanted me to attend his games but then when I offer to go, he doesn't want me to go.

Sunday - May 10:
- we acted nice and almost happy while we visited our mothers
- i broke down and told him I didn't know what I was doing but felt I was doing everything wrong

Monday - May 11:
- we carpooled to work
- found an email from someone else saying she saw his picture and he was cute and wanted to hook up. For all I know it could be spam, but even if it looks like spam, smells like spam, it might be true considering his disceptive ways
- said he stopped having contact with her on Thursday not Friday (freaking liar!)
- I broke down in the car when I heard a Ricardo Arjona (from now on RA) song. I changed the stations but he put it back on and said not to change it. He doesn't understand that I'm not over it and I trigger. He was an extremely insensitive prick. I cried the entire car ride home.
- he took me to eat ice cream (my favorite).

Tuesday - May 12:
- we carpooled again
- he told me he knew I was snooping around but to not let him know about it. If I have a question about a number to call that number and find out for myself
- found a way to obtain old text messages from his phone but I'm waiting on ebay seller to ship the stuff. I have to find a way to get to his sim card.
- he went to individual counseling first and then we had marriage counseling. Therapist basically said we had poor communication skills and we were not clear on what we wanted. She didn't touch the affair issue, which I have problems with because I'm not over it.
- therapist thinks this marriage could be saved
- therapist wants us to make a list of all the good and bad things in our marriage. so far the bad list outweighs the good.
- he told me the therapist told him having ex-gf's call on him like that is disrespectful to me

Wednesday - May 13:
- el que busca, encuentra (those who search, discover):
- I am convinced the other woman created the email just for him
- on his personal email, he changed his location to Redmond, WA which is surprisingly the same location listed when I look up the other woman's email on emailfinder.com
- went to gyno for routine annual exam and I couldn't bare to tell them to check for STDs. I felt so ashamed. I think I'm going to figure out what the symptoms are and keep a close eye on things.

As of now I'm in stealth mode. I will install a VAR (voice activated recorder) soon in his car and in the computer room. I just haven't had the opportunity to try it out. He goes to play soccer tonight so I can test it out. My plan is to recover the text messages and go from there. If there is nothing in there that I haven't already been told, then I will let go of the past and concentrate on making sure there is no contact with the other woman. If not, I will give him one last chance to tell me everything or it is over. I have to be determined this time, but I know I have to give him an ultimatum before I do or I will never go through leaving him.

I question this marriage every day.

OMG

With the keylogger I discovered he was living a double life. There is so much more disgusting stuff going on. I don't think I can write much longer before he comes home, but divorce is eminent.

Cards on Tables, Balls on Courts, and Other Games and Sports

Before today I had one last card in my hand and I laid it on the table this afternoon. It probably wasn't the smartest move but at least it placed the ball in his court. I'll explain below.

Stage Three: Sadness

Early in the morning, I became extremely saddened (without real anger anymore, I think) to realize that I had no one to lean on. Over the past 7 years and 9 months, he has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on. I couldn't think of anyone better to share the pain and nausea that I was going through other than him. But he was exactly the one person I couldn't lean on.

I lost it crying, and I was so desperate I went to the guest room where he was sleeping and asked if I could come in. He let me in and I hugged him and cried on his shoulder (or rather his chest). We just held each other and both cried for a long time. It felt great. It was such a relief. I told him everything I was going through (sleeplessness, feelings of disgust and nausea, hurt, lack of concentration). He was feeling much of the same things, too.

I was kind of confused with all the names that I got from different sources (the people search website, the phone call, and the email), so without him knowing my sources I had him tell me where the different names are coming from and how they all fit together. The name I gathered from the people search website was her last two names (not uncommon in Hispanic cultures), but one of the names was misspelled which was why I could never find anything on google. The name she gave on the phone was her first name. The name I found in the email is an unrelated fourth party that has nothing to do with the affair, but she is important to the plot. The other woman will be aptly identified as OW, and the unrelated fourth party will be identified as UFP. I didn't tell him where all these names are coming from so at this point he knows nothing about me knowing about the email he sent.

I ask him questions which I really can't remember most of them. It's kinda pointless to remember know anyways since his answers were probably lies. The one question I asked him which is important to the story is if he told anyone else about what was going on, to which he answered no. After all the questioning, I just couldn't spend the rest of the day in this cat and mouse game so I remained quiet. He started to discuss things that were going on with his family and whatnot, things with work and I listened attentively. I talked to him about work stuff as well. It felt great, like old times. He sort of started talking about the near future (vacations we should take) but I gave him really ambivalent answers. I don't really want to discuss a future at this moment.

Later on he ordered pizza and we ate while watching a very important soccer game (I am a fan of one team and he is the fan of the rival team). My team won by a landslide and they were the away team. We watched in peace and quiet amidst shouts of "gooooooooooooooool". It felt good for me and right now I'm doing what feels good.

After the game, though, I asked him if everything he told me in the morning was correct. He swore it was. I continued and asked him if he was truthful when he said he hadn't shared what we were going through with anyone. Again, he said he was being honest. I asked him if he had shared anything with UFP. He said no. I asked him if he had sent an email to UFP about our fight. He still insisted on no. I asked him if he had emailed her on Thursday about me not wanting to talk to him. He said no and asked me how I knew about his emails, if I was checking his emails. I told him no (which is true, I only saw a printscreen from the keylogger) and that I know I've been snooping around in ways that are questionable but we can discuss this after we discuss the email being sent. He broke down and told me yes, he did send the email to her. He asked why was that important; did I think he was cheating on me with UFP. I told him no but it proves that I can't trust him to tell me the truth. What confidence do I have that everything else he said was the truth? He didn't know.

I told him I wanted some kind of proof of his honesty other than his word because I know I can't trust it. I told him I read somewhere online that the cell phone provider can create a report that shows the contents of the text messages. If he is being honest and everything is innocent, then there shouldn't be anything incriminating in them. He asked if I had already called the cell phone provider to ask. I told him yes but they wouldn't provide anything to me because I wasn't on the bill. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea and if he was going to call. He was hesitant. I asked again, and he asked if he had to do it now. I told him yes and I could give him my work fax which goes directly to my email if they asked for a fax number.

Hesitantly, he called the cell phone provider in front of me but they were not able to create the report since they do not store this information. I asked him about maybe reading emails sent to/from the OW and he said he deletes them (which I'm sure he did after I ratted him out). So I told him that I really want to make this work but in order to do that he has to give me some kind of proof that he has been honest to me or finally tell me the whole truth. I left the ball in his court.

I don't know how long this will take. I didn't give him an ultimatum but frankly I want to get more of my shit together (possibly talk to a lawyer) before I tell him he has a certain amount of time to prove his innocence. We'll see how long this continues.

For the moment, I am incredibly sad. I feel like I've lost someone and I'm grieving. I don't feel anger anymore, just sadness. If you are religious, please pray for me. I need strength right now.

The Sound of Music

It's 3 am and I can't sleep but I'm glad I'm sleeping alone. I don't think I could be blogging if he was in the room. Blogging has been a way of releasing everything I'm going through. I haven't told anyone in real life about what is going on. I don't want to just yet.

Current stage: Still Anger

Remember that ring tone? I had heard it before, sang some of the chorus in the car on the way home, but I guess I had never really paid attention to it. After typing yesterday's blog I took a look at the lyrics and I lost it again at work. I don't know if I'm capable of replicating the words here in English just yet. I kinda looked at them once and don't really want to look at them again. Basically, it's a song about two people who love each other (or lust for each other) but are apart and are questioning why they are apart. I couldn't be at work anymore. I felt I was drowning.

At the risk of looking childish, I printed a copy of the lyrics, highlighted the "juicy" parts, went to his work (or rather the parking lot of his work) and taped them to his car. It felt good, like getting back or kicking him where it hurts. I know I sound childish, but I am telling myself that if it feels good to do, then I'm going to keep doing it. I'm really taking the time to do what I want. This is about me. Then I went home.

I don't know if I did it out of remorse or fear of other people finding out, but I texted him saying I left something on his car. In a row of parked cars, his car was first facing the street and thought maybe anyone could walk by and read it.

So I got home and the first thing I did was pack a bag for him. I packed about a week's supply of clothing for both work and non-work activities, and I included his condoms in the bag. I don't do birth control pills, I do FAM (Fertility Awareness Method - see Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility); condoms are necessary. I made sure the condoms were visible.

Afterwards, I started cleaning the house, some areas twice. I just can't escape the feeling of being grossed out by everything and feeling unclean. I don't know if it's the mindless physical activity, the idea that everything he touched is dirty, or maybe cleaning is symbolic to me for beginning anew, but I couldn't stop cleaning. And I played really loud music while doing so. It kept my mind away from daymares.

Everyone has a list of "go-to" songs they listen to when they are happy, sad, energized, calm, etc. Well, here is my "go-to" list (I think I like making lists too much) of songs after d-day:

*No - Shakira Lyrics Video
*Don't Bother - Shakira (and I don't even like when Shakira sings in English) Lyrics Video
*Tu No Eres Para Mi - Fanny Lu Lyrics Video
*Me Voy - Julieta Venegas Lyrics Video
*Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (don't ask me why. She is not usually in my music repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Never Again - Kelly Clarkson Lyrics Video
*Stay - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*I Do - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette Lyrics Video
*Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple Lyrics Video
*Sunday Morning - No Doubt Lyrics Video
*Found Out About You - Gin Blossoms (am I dating myself?) Lyrics Video
*Mudshovel - Staind Lyrics Video
*Crawling - Linkin Park (also not on my usual repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Gone Away - Offspring (I know it's about death but the "Heaven is so far away" is kinda what I feel) Lyrics Video
*Gotta Get Away - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Have You Ever - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Self Esteem - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Paint It Black - Rolling Stones (I particularly like the Vanessa Carlton version because it comes from a female voice) Lyrics Song
*Pretty Noose - Soundgarden (because I really like Soundgarden) Lyrics Video

The two Shakira songs are really illustrate what I'm feeling. So much so that I changed my ring tone from "Around the World" by Daftpunk to "No" by Shakira. I tried to change only his ring tone to that song but many times I'm technology challenged.

Then I took a shower (second one that day), got dressed, and put on makeup. I never wear makeup, but isn't part of feeling good, looking good? I had hours of nothing to do and at times I felt I was going to lose it again, but I composed myself and prevented tears. I don't want to smear my makeup, and really, he doesn't deserve them.

He came home late yesterday as well. I checked the cell phone provider's website to see what calls he had made (mysteriously none to the other woman, um...). He made several calls to his mom's house. I figure he probably swung by there at some point after work. I wonder if he said anything to them.

When he came home, I was walking my dog. I don't know what he felt or thought, and I don't know what was going on through my head, but I told him I wasn't kicking him out of the house, just out of my room. I feel comforted that he is home; I'm doing things to make me feel good.

I don't know what he did later. I went into my room and turned on the TV. There is no TV in the guest room, so I let him have the TV in the living room. It's his TV anyways. Am I being too kind? I think he went to bed early because at 9ish pm the lights were out. At some point in the night I fell asleep.

So I wake up and here I am. I checked my personal email (by compulsion, really) and he had written an email to me repeating all the lies and saying he was ready to talk whenever I wanted to. Oh, he also said that the other woman had given him the mp3 of the ring tone and had said to put it as her ring tone. He said he really didn't think about the lyrics. Again, dumb, clueless or lying, and I think you know which I'm inclined to pick.

I don't know what is going to happen. Part of me thinks about reconciliation because, hey, I married him for a reason, right? Don't I owe it to myself to at least try to work it out? The other part of me thinks I wasted 8 years on this p.o.s. I don't need to waste anymore time. My angry gut feeling is to move on without him.I think my emotions are too raw to decide right now. I don't think I can move on, either with him or without him, if he doesn't confess. If he doesn't realize that he did anything wrong, then what's to say he won't do it again? I feel it's holding me back. I don't think pushing him to confess would do any good. He might confess to confess but feel no remorse.

I don't know what to do during the weekend. I want him to see that I've sort of moved on and that I have a life. I want to show him that I come and go as I please. I plan on opening a bank account in my name so that should keep me entertained in the morning. Financial security is one of the most important things to take care of after d-day. I am glad I take control of our finances and know our financial situation so I can prepare myself for anything. I've also been told to contact a lawyer but it's too soon for me. I feel it would be too final and I'm not at that stage yet. Maybe I'll take my dog to the dogpark.

Confrontation #2

He is a liar.

Rule #1: Never believe a cheater.
Rule #2: If you happen to want to believe a cheater, see Rule#1.

The other woman calls me during work but I don't answer. She leaves a message saying to call her. I don't plan on it.

So yesterday he comes home later than usual. He is home before me everyday but yesterday he got home about 30 minutes after me. I was so angry I wanted to throw his shit out the door. I think if he would have been 2 hours late, I probably would have. Someone suggested to me I throw watermelons off my roof. I don't know if I can manage to get on my roof (they call me Mrs. Clumsy) but the idea of destroying a perfectly good watermelon a la Gallagher seems very appealing. I might try it this weekend.

So I did what I could to preoccupy my mind on something else, I cleaned. Had he come home half an hour later than he did, my house would be spotless.

He comes home while I'm in the middle of washing dishes and goes straight to the bedroom to change out of his work clothes. I swear I wanted to rip his head out, use it as a soccer ball, and then set it on fire (felony count: 1 manslaughter, 1 arson, and 1 unsportsmenlike conduct).

As soon as he is out of the room, he goes and turns on the video game console. That is when I quickly went to the bedroom and closed the door. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I really wasn't sleeping. I just didn't want to be awake to hear that he is around.

You wouldn't believe the behavioral changes I'm going through. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I have nightmares of me coming home to an empty house, and once I had a daymare of him in bed with someone else. I try to not let those thoughts continue. They don't do me much good. On the plus side, I have been great at doing mindless physical activity. I'm running faster, longer - it's all natural adrenaline. I've been cleaning more as well. I think I need to find something manual to occupy my time with. Maybe I'll go back to piano.

Anyways, he continues on the video game console for what seems like hours. And then all of a sudden, I hear him turn on the computer. I thought, "Yes, the POS is going to write to the whore and I'll have evidence!" A few minutes later, he leaves to get fast food (I refuse to cook for him).

I wander around the house and I check his phone. Of course all the text messages and call log has been deleted. But I find her number and for shits and giggles I try to see what ringtone he set for her (he sets different ringtones for everyone, this is not unusual). It's set to Ricardo Arjona's Sin Ti, Sin Mi (romantic song in Spanish - lyrics here: http://www.6lyrics.com/music/ricardo_arjona/lyrics/sin_ti_sin_mi.aspx). I lost it crying. Reflecting this, I don't know why I'm surprised.

I heard the garage door open and I went back into seclusion. I swear I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I just couldn't keep it in, so we had confrontation #2.

He sits there with his work computer where I can't download a key logger (crap). I asked him to please tell me all the truth. Of course he didn't know what was going on, he said there was nothing to say because nothing happened. At this point without evidence of anything physical, I told him he was having an emotional affair and I directed him to two websites that talk about emotional affairs without physical contact. He read them, or at least he said he read them. I have no clue if he really did; I was doing laundry. He said he didn't feel that way at all, that he had no feelings for the other woman other than friendship, that he never tells her anything intimate about us (so her phone call was coincidence).

So it goes on for about another 30 minutes or so, me asking him to tell me the truth and him denying there was anything. He said he thought I was cheating on him because he calls at work during busy season and I never answer (I'm at clients' offices during busy season, it's part of my line of work and he knows it); that I'm always in a hurry when I answer my phone call (because it's busy season, dumbass); that I never call him during lunch (because my lunch break consists of stuffing a sandwich while I continue to work). I told him it wasn't normal to call a friend so often, that as soon as I left to walk our dog, he called her; that he called her the minute he left to play soccer; that he calls her 3 times every morning on his commute to work. It's not normal to hide the phone while he is texting her; that he is obsessed. He at least admitted to that.

There are three things that could be going on:

1. he denies it to himself that he has feels for this other woman,
2. he is dumb and clueless (of which, he has never been in the past) or
3. he is lying (ding, ding, ding!!!).

I told him I wanted to see a marriage counselor and at first he resisted but later said if I felt I needed to go, then he will as well. I'm not sure I want him to go. I don't think he will get anything out of it because he is pretty closed minded about the idea. I plan to set up a first session by myself. I think it would be helpful to get my head straight alone.

We basically end it with no resolution. I think I'm going to apply the 180 (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11). I don't know what else to do.

This morning, he gets up really early and goes to work about an hour early. I know he went to see the other woman. I lost it crying in the bathroom. But before I left, I checked on the key logger to see what was going on. He had a special folder just for her and deleted all the email in the folder. He wrote one email to her telling her that I didn't want to talk to him (this was before confrontation #2) and that he will let her know if anything else happens.

Confrontation

I'm weak and quite the open book. I just couldn't fake it in the morning. I got up earlier that usual so I wouldn't have to confront him without more concrete evidence. But my cell phone failed me.

Stage two: Anger

I got up, took a shower, got dressed, made lunch, and walked out my merry way, and then I forgot I left the cell phone in the room. I went back and then he was up. I couldn't look at him in the face, I just wanted to sucker-punch the lights out of him. So I walked rapidly past him and got my cell phone but he stopped me at the bedroom door. I tried to leave but he kept asking me what was wrong. I ignored (not wanting to say anything or hurt any body parts). After a few minutes of him asking and me ignoring, he let me go. And then I lost it in the car. I couldn't move and just cried my eyes out.

A few seconds later he opened the car door and asked me what was wrong. I tried to ignore but at this point of sobbing I could only cry more. And then I blurted it out: "You are cheating on me." Of course he denied it; lied right through his teeth. I told him some of the evidence like the minute and text usage and the google search. Some of the things blurted out of his mouth that are probable lies:

"I love you"
"You are the only one I love"
"I married you because I am commited to only loving you"
"What? I can't have friends now?"
"You were snoping through my personal stuff"
"Trust me"
"You don't trust me"
"There is nothing I could do for you to trust me"
"Call her and see we are just friends"
"Would I be so stupid to call from the cell phone even though I know you can see the usage online?" (Love is blind and dumb, my dear)

Eventually, he stormed back in the house and I left.

On the way to work, I got one text message saying I am the only one he loves, and one call where he repeated what he had said above.

Once at work, because I apparently love to torture myself, I checked the minute usage again through the cell phone provider's website. After he called me, he called her once and texted her three times. I want to sucker-punch him in the balls.

If there was any slight thinking that maybe this is just an emotional affair and that it could be ending quickly, just noticing that he called and texted her is enough to kick me right into reality. This is an emotional affair at a point of no return at best. And after two months of this, I really doubt it's that innocent.

I plan to look for a marriage counselor. I don't know what I want out of it. I'm not sure this is worth saving.

I Love Telemarketers

I have a new found affection towards telemarketers. I promise that the next time one calls I will thank them for my discovery day (d-day). I am not being sarcastic. My discovery day began yesterday afternoon with a call from a telemarketer.

I was sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business, when I received a call from a telemarketer on my cell phone. Of course my phone is on the Do Not Call List so I decided to check my cell phone provider's website so I could make a complaint against the telemarketer, and that is when I found it. A hundred calls logged in my husband's line from this one number. For almost the entire month of April, the total minutes to/from this number was 468, totaling about 60% of all his phone minutes (yes, I calculated it). And about 75% of all text messages sent were to this number (the cell phone provider for some reason doesn't provide incoming text message details).

Stage one after d-day: Denial.

I thought, maybe it's his mom? But it wasn't. Or one of his brothers? No dice. Maybe his work? Wrong again. So not finding the answer I did a reverse search on whitepages and the number was tied to a cell phone but that is all the website gave. So I paid about $5 for an people information type website for it to spit out a name. It gave me one that is un-google-able.

I spend the rest of the workday crying, denying it, crying some more. Reviewing and brooding over the minute call list on the cell phone provider's website. Here are some of the patterns I noticed:
1. Calls range from 1 minute to 38 minutes.
2. Calls are made/received between 7 am to 9 pm.
3. The calls began sometime in late February.
4. He calls/texts multiple times a day.
5. For the past week, he has been overly affectionate (one of the signs of cheating) so he would call me two to three times on my way to work. But he would call her first, then me, then her, then me again, repeat.
6. He calls as soon as I am out of the house, either working or walking the dog, etc.
7. He calls her as soon as he is out of the house. Last night, he went at 8:47pm to "play soccer" (not sure I really believe him). He called her as soon as he was in his car.
8. He texts her constantly! Even when I am around.

Here are some other things I noticed:
1. He hides his phone in a way I can't see when he is texting. Before he would usually just text in front of me.
2. He closes websites when I walk by and becomes nervous.
3. He receives text messages late and doesn't check them right away. He waits until he goes to the bathroom/kitchen/living room/office to check them.
4. I reviewed his phone. She has sent him picture messages, but I have not been able to see them.
5. He googled "married and in love with someone else."
6. His birthday was in March and he received a very expensive perfume and aftershave from a "coworker."
7. He bought one or two gifts totaling $88 for one or two coworkers' birthdays in April.
8. He spent all afternoon on Saturday helping a "coworker" move. He needs to spend all day Sunday helping "coworker" move again.
9. He goes straight to the computer when he comes home and does not get off the computer until 11 pm.
10. He recently discovered the landline phone and has it next to the computer in the office.
11. Recently he has been so much more affectionate than usual and we talk a whole lot less.

When I got home, I managed to install a key logger software on the computer. I may not have until Friday to view activity though. Here's hoping I find something a little more concrete.

Discovery Day

Discovery Day is a holiday celebrated in many countries to commemorate the discovery of land, gold, or other significant national discoveries.

This is not that kind of discovery day.

In many online relationship forums and chat rooms, discovery day is the day you find out your spouse is cheating. Unfortunately for me, this is that kind of discovery day.

This is my journal from discovery day (or rather, discovery day +1) through ???

We'll see where we go from here. I'm taking it one day at a time.