Saturday, May 2, 2009

Cards on Tables, Balls on Courts, and Other Games and Sports

Before today I had one last card in my hand and I laid it on the table this afternoon. It probably wasn't the smartest move but at least it placed the ball in his court. I'll explain below.

Stage Three: Sadness

Early in the morning, I became extremely saddened (without real anger anymore, I think) to realize that I had no one to lean on. Over the past 7 years and 9 months, he has been my rock and my shoulder to cry on. I couldn't think of anyone better to share the pain and nausea that I was going through other than him. But he was exactly the one person I couldn't lean on.

I lost it crying, and I was so desperate I went to the guest room where he was sleeping and asked if I could come in. He let me in and I hugged him and cried on his shoulder (or rather his chest). We just held each other and both cried for a long time. It felt great. It was such a relief. I told him everything I was going through (sleeplessness, feelings of disgust and nausea, hurt, lack of concentration). He was feeling much of the same things, too.

I was kind of confused with all the names that I got from different sources (the people search website, the phone call, and the email), so without him knowing my sources I had him tell me where the different names are coming from and how they all fit together. The name I gathered from the people search website was her last two names (not uncommon in Hispanic cultures), but one of the names was misspelled which was why I could never find anything on google. The name she gave on the phone was her first name. The name I found in the email is an unrelated fourth party that has nothing to do with the affair, but she is important to the plot. The other woman will be aptly identified as OW, and the unrelated fourth party will be identified as UFP. I didn't tell him where all these names are coming from so at this point he knows nothing about me knowing about the email he sent.

I ask him questions which I really can't remember most of them. It's kinda pointless to remember know anyways since his answers were probably lies. The one question I asked him which is important to the story is if he told anyone else about what was going on, to which he answered no. After all the questioning, I just couldn't spend the rest of the day in this cat and mouse game so I remained quiet. He started to discuss things that were going on with his family and whatnot, things with work and I listened attentively. I talked to him about work stuff as well. It felt great, like old times. He sort of started talking about the near future (vacations we should take) but I gave him really ambivalent answers. I don't really want to discuss a future at this moment.

Later on he ordered pizza and we ate while watching a very important soccer game (I am a fan of one team and he is the fan of the rival team). My team won by a landslide and they were the away team. We watched in peace and quiet amidst shouts of "gooooooooooooooool". It felt good for me and right now I'm doing what feels good.

After the game, though, I asked him if everything he told me in the morning was correct. He swore it was. I continued and asked him if he was truthful when he said he hadn't shared what we were going through with anyone. Again, he said he was being honest. I asked him if he had shared anything with UFP. He said no. I asked him if he had sent an email to UFP about our fight. He still insisted on no. I asked him if he had emailed her on Thursday about me not wanting to talk to him. He said no and asked me how I knew about his emails, if I was checking his emails. I told him no (which is true, I only saw a printscreen from the keylogger) and that I know I've been snooping around in ways that are questionable but we can discuss this after we discuss the email being sent. He broke down and told me yes, he did send the email to her. He asked why was that important; did I think he was cheating on me with UFP. I told him no but it proves that I can't trust him to tell me the truth. What confidence do I have that everything else he said was the truth? He didn't know.

I told him I wanted some kind of proof of his honesty other than his word because I know I can't trust it. I told him I read somewhere online that the cell phone provider can create a report that shows the contents of the text messages. If he is being honest and everything is innocent, then there shouldn't be anything incriminating in them. He asked if I had already called the cell phone provider to ask. I told him yes but they wouldn't provide anything to me because I wasn't on the bill. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea and if he was going to call. He was hesitant. I asked again, and he asked if he had to do it now. I told him yes and I could give him my work fax which goes directly to my email if they asked for a fax number.

Hesitantly, he called the cell phone provider in front of me but they were not able to create the report since they do not store this information. I asked him about maybe reading emails sent to/from the OW and he said he deletes them (which I'm sure he did after I ratted him out). So I told him that I really want to make this work but in order to do that he has to give me some kind of proof that he has been honest to me or finally tell me the whole truth. I left the ball in his court.

I don't know how long this will take. I didn't give him an ultimatum but frankly I want to get more of my shit together (possibly talk to a lawyer) before I tell him he has a certain amount of time to prove his innocence. We'll see how long this continues.

For the moment, I am incredibly sad. I feel like I've lost someone and I'm grieving. I don't feel anger anymore, just sadness. If you are religious, please pray for me. I need strength right now.

7 comments:

  1. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

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  2. I will pray that you find the strength you need.

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  3. You are in my prayers. I hope that everything works out for the best for you.

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  4. My eyes are welled up with tears. I feel so awful for you, and I'm sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. You're incredibly strong, my thoughts are with you.

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  6. You describe this with such accuracy that it is heart wrenching. I wish you strength and solace.

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