Friday, May 1, 2009

Confrontation #2

He is a liar.

Rule #1: Never believe a cheater.
Rule #2: If you happen to want to believe a cheater, see Rule#1.

The other woman calls me during work but I don't answer. She leaves a message saying to call her. I don't plan on it.

So yesterday he comes home later than usual. He is home before me everyday but yesterday he got home about 30 minutes after me. I was so angry I wanted to throw his shit out the door. I think if he would have been 2 hours late, I probably would have. Someone suggested to me I throw watermelons off my roof. I don't know if I can manage to get on my roof (they call me Mrs. Clumsy) but the idea of destroying a perfectly good watermelon a la Gallagher seems very appealing. I might try it this weekend.

So I did what I could to preoccupy my mind on something else, I cleaned. Had he come home half an hour later than he did, my house would be spotless.

He comes home while I'm in the middle of washing dishes and goes straight to the bedroom to change out of his work clothes. I swear I wanted to rip his head out, use it as a soccer ball, and then set it on fire (felony count: 1 manslaughter, 1 arson, and 1 unsportsmenlike conduct).

As soon as he is out of the room, he goes and turns on the video game console. That is when I quickly went to the bedroom and closed the door. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I really wasn't sleeping. I just didn't want to be awake to hear that he is around.

You wouldn't believe the behavioral changes I'm going through. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I have nightmares of me coming home to an empty house, and once I had a daymare of him in bed with someone else. I try to not let those thoughts continue. They don't do me much good. On the plus side, I have been great at doing mindless physical activity. I'm running faster, longer - it's all natural adrenaline. I've been cleaning more as well. I think I need to find something manual to occupy my time with. Maybe I'll go back to piano.

Anyways, he continues on the video game console for what seems like hours. And then all of a sudden, I hear him turn on the computer. I thought, "Yes, the POS is going to write to the whore and I'll have evidence!" A few minutes later, he leaves to get fast food (I refuse to cook for him).

I wander around the house and I check his phone. Of course all the text messages and call log has been deleted. But I find her number and for shits and giggles I try to see what ringtone he set for her (he sets different ringtones for everyone, this is not unusual). It's set to Ricardo Arjona's Sin Ti, Sin Mi (romantic song in Spanish - lyrics here: I lost it crying. Reflecting this, I don't know why I'm surprised.

I heard the garage door open and I went back into seclusion. I swear I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I just couldn't keep it in, so we had confrontation #2.

He sits there with his work computer where I can't download a key logger (crap). I asked him to please tell me all the truth. Of course he didn't know what was going on, he said there was nothing to say because nothing happened. At this point without evidence of anything physical, I told him he was having an emotional affair and I directed him to two websites that talk about emotional affairs without physical contact. He read them, or at least he said he read them. I have no clue if he really did; I was doing laundry. He said he didn't feel that way at all, that he had no feelings for the other woman other than friendship, that he never tells her anything intimate about us (so her phone call was coincidence).

So it goes on for about another 30 minutes or so, me asking him to tell me the truth and him denying there was anything. He said he thought I was cheating on him because he calls at work during busy season and I never answer (I'm at clients' offices during busy season, it's part of my line of work and he knows it); that I'm always in a hurry when I answer my phone call (because it's busy season, dumbass); that I never call him during lunch (because my lunch break consists of stuffing a sandwich while I continue to work). I told him it wasn't normal to call a friend so often, that as soon as I left to walk our dog, he called her; that he called her the minute he left to play soccer; that he calls her 3 times every morning on his commute to work. It's not normal to hide the phone while he is texting her; that he is obsessed. He at least admitted to that.

There are three things that could be going on:

1. he denies it to himself that he has feels for this other woman,
2. he is dumb and clueless (of which, he has never been in the past) or
3. he is lying (ding, ding, ding!!!).

I told him I wanted to see a marriage counselor and at first he resisted but later said if I felt I needed to go, then he will as well. I'm not sure I want him to go. I don't think he will get anything out of it because he is pretty closed minded about the idea. I plan to set up a first session by myself. I think it would be helpful to get my head straight alone.

We basically end it with no resolution. I think I'm going to apply the 180 ( I don't know what else to do.

This morning, he gets up really early and goes to work about an hour early. I know he went to see the other woman. I lost it crying in the bathroom. But before I left, I checked on the key logger to see what was going on. He had a special folder just for her and deleted all the email in the folder. He wrote one email to her telling her that I didn't want to talk to him (this was before confrontation #2) and that he will let her know if anything else happens.


  1. You don't know me, but I was one of the ones that suggested to you when you first aired your suspicions. I just wanted to let you know that I have been in your exact shoes (and well, I also found photos eventually, plus his emails to her) and I can understand how incredibly life shattering this is. If you need to talk to someone that can completely relate, you can email me at anytime. Reading your story made me shake and cry, I get so angry everytime I hear of another innocent woman betrayed. ((hugs))


  2. Just sending you some hugs.

    I have been there, and recognized every step of the way... finding the phone records first... then the secret calls and texts...

    Stay strong!