Friday, July 10, 2009

Healing Myself

It's been more than a month since last post but I've had a very hectic time, especially at work. I survived layoffs by a hair, I'm sure. My bosses called me out on my unusual behavior and they were very understanding.

I came upon another big realization that had really hindered my healing. I am not owning my shit. His affairs are his own to blame, but some of our marital problems were my own through no fault of anyone else but me. While I thought I was owning my shit, I really wasn't. I was making excuses. Everything that I did that was counterproductive to a healthy marriage I was blaming it on him or work or other family members, but in reality I am the owner of all my arrogance, all my laziness, all my controlling behavior. Not to say there isn't shit for him to own in our marital problems, but those are his problems to deal with. I have to deal with mine.

I promise myself from now on to stop blaming external forces for my own internal weaknesses. I always thought I was disciplined, but I never qualified that statement to say that I am only disciplined with academic stuff. I am lazy everywhere else. I thought that I was not arrogant because when I'm wrong I admit it, but even then that is arrogant and not humble.

So now I am working on myself. I want to make a list of the things that I want to sincerely change about myself and then find ways to start the change.

But the first order of business is to stop being lazy; that means cleaning my work area. I have way too much stuff just piled everywhere.