Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Scatter-brained Update

I have been emotionally unavailable to write anything down partly because my family now knows and I've been leaning on my mom. These are some of the scattered-brained events and thoughts that have occurred since then:

Wednesday - May 6:
-he went to play soccer
-I looked at keylogger and discovered:
- he emailed her on May 1 telling her that I had asked for his email password and to not email until after 10pm
-the UFP is actually the other woman
-he had a special email folder for other woman which he deleted. parts of some of their correspondence begin with her calling him "my love"
-he emailed to her everything that was going on between us, every fight, every argument, etc.
-he had pictures of her on our desktop which he deleted
-he has been talking to another girl (an ex from high school). she calls him "my love, handsome" and he doesn't object to it
-he has remained in contact with this girl forever, so this makes me question everything in our relationship. I'm thinking our marriage is a fraud and I married under false pretenses.
-on May 4 or 5 he googled "how to hide phone number"
- found out he took a picture of himself sometime after January in our room (we just painted it). the last time he took a picture of himself, he opened an account on American Singles.
-I kicked him out on Wednesday night after he came home
-I called my cousin before that so that he was present. I didn't think the p.o.s. was going to hurt me or anything but I thought he would not leave if my cousin was not there.

Thursday - May 7:
- I packed all his shit out of my room
- I called all the credit cards that were under my name and deleted him as an authorized user
- he came by after work and asked for one more chance
- I gave it to him on several conditions to be mentioned below
- he told me there was nothing physical but they did exchange "I love you" a few times
- that he was attracted to her personality
- I had him write a "no contact" letter to the other woman and had him give me his password
- he didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought it would hurt me more. I don't think the p.o.s. quite understands that it's the constant lying that hurts me the most. I really feel it's an insult to my intelligence.
- said he googled the "hide phone number" crap because he just didn't want people to have his number (bullshit)
- said he stopped having any contact after Friday

Friday - May 8:
- kinda shady, I can't really remember anything but I know I didn't go to work

Saturday - May 9:
- we talked about how to fix our marriage problems some, but I don't think he is clear on what he wants in terms of the marriage, i.e.: he said he wanted me to attend his games but then when I offer to go, he doesn't want me to go.

Sunday - May 10:
- we acted nice and almost happy while we visited our mothers
- i broke down and told him I didn't know what I was doing but felt I was doing everything wrong

Monday - May 11:
- we carpooled to work
- found an email from someone else saying she saw his picture and he was cute and wanted to hook up. For all I know it could be spam, but even if it looks like spam, smells like spam, it might be true considering his disceptive ways
- said he stopped having contact with her on Thursday not Friday (freaking liar!)
- I broke down in the car when I heard a Ricardo Arjona (from now on RA) song. I changed the stations but he put it back on and said not to change it. He doesn't understand that I'm not over it and I trigger. He was an extremely insensitive prick. I cried the entire car ride home.
- he took me to eat ice cream (my favorite).

Tuesday - May 12:
- we carpooled again
- he told me he knew I was snooping around but to not let him know about it. If I have a question about a number to call that number and find out for myself
- found a way to obtain old text messages from his phone but I'm waiting on ebay seller to ship the stuff. I have to find a way to get to his sim card.
- he went to individual counseling first and then we had marriage counseling. Therapist basically said we had poor communication skills and we were not clear on what we wanted. She didn't touch the affair issue, which I have problems with because I'm not over it.
- therapist thinks this marriage could be saved
- therapist wants us to make a list of all the good and bad things in our marriage. so far the bad list outweighs the good.
- he told me the therapist told him having ex-gf's call on him like that is disrespectful to me

Wednesday - May 13:
- el que busca, encuentra (those who search, discover):
- I am convinced the other woman created the email just for him
- on his personal email, he changed his location to Redmond, WA which is surprisingly the same location listed when I look up the other woman's email on
- went to gyno for routine annual exam and I couldn't bare to tell them to check for STDs. I felt so ashamed. I think I'm going to figure out what the symptoms are and keep a close eye on things.

As of now I'm in stealth mode. I will install a VAR (voice activated recorder) soon in his car and in the computer room. I just haven't had the opportunity to try it out. He goes to play soccer tonight so I can test it out. My plan is to recover the text messages and go from there. If there is nothing in there that I haven't already been told, then I will let go of the past and concentrate on making sure there is no contact with the other woman. If not, I will give him one last chance to tell me everything or it is over. I have to be determined this time, but I know I have to give him an ultimatum before I do or I will never go through leaving him.

I question this marriage every day.


  1. I'm so sorry you are going though this. Keep leaning your Mom & family. Take care.

  2. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I feel compelled to ask you: how many "one last chances" are you going to give this person? You don't need to answer that for me, but maybe think about it for yourself.

  3. Oh, and please, please get tested for STDs. You don't have to feel ashamed - my OB asks me at every visit whether I want the tests or not, even though I've been married for three years. There's no judgement involved. There are several STDs that have no symptoms but that can leave you infertile or worse if you don't treat them. I know it's a terrible thing to have to think about, but you HAVE to take care of yourself right now, above all else.

  4. I agree with Brooklyn Bridge, and would get tested for STD's. You don't even have to go to your regular gyno - you can go to a walk in clinic, or Planned Parenthood.

    I think you're an amazing woman, willing to give him another chance. You've made great strides in your investigation.

    I wish you all the best.

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  6. I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. Please get tested for STD's. There is no shame at all in getting tested.
    I wish you the best of luck in whatever choice you make.

  7. Just a quick suggestion...I know you're going through a LOT right now, and getting it off your chest here in a format like this must help a lot.

    But I would suggest you speak to a lawyer about what you're writing, and who you're sharing it with before you write much more. I've seen this sort of thing backfire hardcore on family members going through legal issues with exes, and it can be both embarrassing and damaging.

    Maybe you can find a forum like a message board or something where you can get support from others going through similar experiences?

    Best of luck to you, whatever you wind up doing!

  8. Lamento mucho lo que te esta sucediendo. Eso es muy comun y no te sientas sola porque yo he pasado por lo mismo. Mi unico consejo que te puedo dar (y por experiencia propia) es que los hombres que son infieles nunca cambian. Como dice el dicho "Al perro guevero, aunque le colten la boca, sigue comiendo guevo".

    Sigue con tu therapia, pero ten mucho cuidado porque por lo que he leido en tu blog, el es como el tipico hombre infiel que busca todas las maneras de engañar a su pareja y siempre es descubierto.

    Buena suerte!

  9. You are a strong person, los of luck to you that everything turns out for the best. you deserve it.