It's 3 am and I can't sleep but I'm glad I'm sleeping alone. I don't think I could be blogging if he was in the room. Blogging has been a way of releasing everything I'm going through. I haven't told anyone in real life about what is going on. I don't want to just yet.
Current stage: Still Anger
Remember that ring tone? I had heard it before, sang some of the chorus in the car on the way home, but I guess I had never really paid attention to it. After typing yesterday's blog I took a look at the lyrics and I lost it again at work. I don't know if I'm capable of replicating the words here in English just yet. I kinda looked at them once and don't really want to look at them again. Basically, it's a song about two people who love each other (or lust for each other) but are apart and are questioning why they are apart. I couldn't be at work anymore. I felt I was drowning.
At the risk of looking childish, I printed a copy of the lyrics, highlighted the "juicy" parts, went to his work (or rather the parking lot of his work) and taped them to his car. It felt good, like getting back or kicking him where it hurts. I know I sound childish, but I am telling myself that if it feels good to do, then I'm going to keep doing it. I'm really taking the time to do what I want. This is about me. Then I went home.
I don't know if I did it out of remorse or fear of other people finding out, but I texted him saying I left something on his car. In a row of parked cars, his car was first facing the street and thought maybe anyone could walk by and read it.
So I got home and the first thing I did was pack a bag for him. I packed about a week's supply of clothing for both work and non-work activities, and I included his condoms in the bag. I don't do birth control pills, I do FAM (Fertility Awareness Method - see Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility); condoms are necessary. I made sure the condoms were visible.
Afterwards, I started cleaning the house, some areas twice. I just can't escape the feeling of being grossed out by everything and feeling unclean. I don't know if it's the mindless physical activity, the idea that everything he touched is dirty, or maybe cleaning is symbolic to me for beginning anew, but I couldn't stop cleaning. And I played really loud music while doing so. It kept my mind away from daymares.
Everyone has a list of "go-to" songs they listen to when they are happy, sad, energized, calm, etc. Well, here is my "go-to" list (I think I like making lists too much) of songs after d-day:
*No - Shakira Lyrics Video
*Don't Bother - Shakira (and I don't even like when Shakira sings in English) Lyrics Video
*Tu No Eres Para Mi - Fanny Lu Lyrics Video
*Me Voy - Julieta Venegas Lyrics Video
*Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (don't ask me why. She is not usually in my music repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Never Again - Kelly Clarkson Lyrics Video
*Stay - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*I Do - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette Lyrics Video
*Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple Lyrics Video
*Sunday Morning - No Doubt Lyrics Video
*Found Out About You - Gin Blossoms (am I dating myself?) Lyrics Video
*Mudshovel - Staind Lyrics Video
*Crawling - Linkin Park (also not on my usual repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Gone Away - Offspring (I know it's about death but the "Heaven is so far away" is kinda what I feel) Lyrics Video
*Gotta Get Away - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Have You Ever - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Self Esteem - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Paint It Black - Rolling Stones (I particularly like the Vanessa Carlton version because it comes from a female voice) Lyrics Song
*Pretty Noose - Soundgarden (because I really like Soundgarden) Lyrics Video
The two Shakira songs are really illustrate what I'm feeling. So much so that I changed my ring tone from "Around the World" by Daftpunk to "No" by Shakira. I tried to change only his ring tone to that song but many times I'm technology challenged.
Then I took a shower (second one that day), got dressed, and put on makeup. I never wear makeup, but isn't part of feeling good, looking good? I had hours of nothing to do and at times I felt I was going to lose it again, but I composed myself and prevented tears. I don't want to smear my makeup, and really, he doesn't deserve them.
He came home late yesterday as well. I checked the cell phone provider's website to see what calls he had made (mysteriously none to the other woman, um...). He made several calls to his mom's house. I figure he probably swung by there at some point after work. I wonder if he said anything to them.
When he came home, I was walking my dog. I don't know what he felt or thought, and I don't know what was going on through my head, but I told him I wasn't kicking him out of the house, just out of my room. I feel comforted that he is home; I'm doing things to make me feel good.
I don't know what he did later. I went into my room and turned on the TV. There is no TV in the guest room, so I let him have the TV in the living room. It's his TV anyways. Am I being too kind? I think he went to bed early because at 9ish pm the lights were out. At some point in the night I fell asleep.
So I wake up and here I am. I checked my personal email (by compulsion, really) and he had written an email to me repeating all the lies and saying he was ready to talk whenever I wanted to. Oh, he also said that the other woman had given him the mp3 of the ring tone and had said to put it as her ring tone. He said he really didn't think about the lyrics. Again, dumb, clueless or lying, and I think you know which I'm inclined to pick.
I don't know what is going to happen. Part of me thinks about reconciliation because, hey, I married him for a reason, right? Don't I owe it to myself to at least try to work it out? The other part of me thinks I wasted 8 years on this p.o.s. I don't need to waste anymore time. My angry gut feeling is to move on without him.I think my emotions are too raw to decide right now. I don't think I can move on, either with him or without him, if he doesn't confess. If he doesn't realize that he did anything wrong, then what's to say he won't do it again? I feel it's holding me back. I don't think pushing him to confess would do any good. He might confess to confess but feel no remorse.
I don't know what to do during the weekend. I want him to see that I've sort of moved on and that I have a life. I want to show him that I come and go as I please. I plan on opening a bank account in my name so that should keep me entertained in the morning. Financial security is one of the most important things to take care of after d-day. I am glad I take control of our finances and know our financial situation so I can prepare myself for anything. I've also been told to contact a lawyer but it's too soon for me. I feel it would be too final and I'm not at that stage yet. Maybe I'll take my dog to the dogpark.