It's 3 am and I can't sleep but I'm glad I'm sleeping alone. I don't think I could be blogging if he was in the room. Blogging has been a way of releasing everything I'm going through. I haven't told anyone in real life about what is going on. I don't want to just yet.
Current stage: Still Anger
Remember that ring tone? I had heard it before, sang some of the chorus in the car on the way home, but I guess I had never really paid attention to it. After typing yesterday's blog I took a look at the lyrics and I lost it again at work. I don't know if I'm capable of replicating the words here in English just yet. I kinda looked at them once and don't really want to look at them again. Basically, it's a song about two people who love each other (or lust for each other) but are apart and are questioning why they are apart. I couldn't be at work anymore. I felt I was drowning.
At the risk of looking childish, I printed a copy of the lyrics, highlighted the "juicy" parts, went to his work (or rather the parking lot of his work) and taped them to his car. It felt good, like getting back or kicking him where it hurts. I know I sound childish, but I am telling myself that if it feels good to do, then I'm going to keep doing it. I'm really taking the time to do what I want. This is about me. Then I went home.
I don't know if I did it out of remorse or fear of other people finding out, but I texted him saying I left something on his car. In a row of parked cars, his car was first facing the street and thought maybe anyone could walk by and read it.
So I got home and the first thing I did was pack a bag for him. I packed about a week's supply of clothing for both work and non-work activities, and I included his condoms in the bag. I don't do birth control pills, I do FAM (Fertility Awareness Method - see Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility); condoms are necessary. I made sure the condoms were visible.
Afterwards, I started cleaning the house, some areas twice. I just can't escape the feeling of being grossed out by everything and feeling unclean. I don't know if it's the mindless physical activity, the idea that everything he touched is dirty, or maybe cleaning is symbolic to me for beginning anew, but I couldn't stop cleaning. And I played really loud music while doing so. It kept my mind away from daymares.
Everyone has a list of "go-to" songs they listen to when they are happy, sad, energized, calm, etc. Well, here is my "go-to" list (I think I like making lists too much) of songs after d-day:
*No - Shakira Lyrics Video
*Don't Bother - Shakira (and I don't even like when Shakira sings in English) Lyrics Video
*Tu No Eres Para Mi - Fanny Lu Lyrics Video
*Me Voy - Julieta Venegas Lyrics Video
*Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (don't ask me why. She is not usually in my music repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Never Again - Kelly Clarkson Lyrics Video
*Stay - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*I Do - Lisa Loeb Lyrics Video
*You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette Lyrics Video
*Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple Lyrics Video
*Sunday Morning - No Doubt Lyrics Video
*Found Out About You - Gin Blossoms (am I dating myself?) Lyrics Video
*Mudshovel - Staind Lyrics Video
*Crawling - Linkin Park (also not on my usual repertoire) Lyrics Video
*Gone Away - Offspring (I know it's about death but the "Heaven is so far away" is kinda what I feel) Lyrics Video
*Gotta Get Away - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Have You Ever - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Self Esteem - Offspring Lyrics Video
*Paint It Black - Rolling Stones (I particularly like the Vanessa Carlton version because it comes from a female voice) Lyrics Song
*Pretty Noose - Soundgarden (because I really like Soundgarden) Lyrics Video
The two Shakira songs are really illustrate what I'm feeling. So much so that I changed my ring tone from "Around the World" by Daftpunk to "No" by Shakira. I tried to change only his ring tone to that song but many times I'm technology challenged.
Then I took a shower (second one that day), got dressed, and put on makeup. I never wear makeup, but isn't part of feeling good, looking good? I had hours of nothing to do and at times I felt I was going to lose it again, but I composed myself and prevented tears. I don't want to smear my makeup, and really, he doesn't deserve them.
He came home late yesterday as well. I checked the cell phone provider's website to see what calls he had made (mysteriously none to the other woman, um...). He made several calls to his mom's house. I figure he probably swung by there at some point after work. I wonder if he said anything to them.
When he came home, I was walking my dog. I don't know what he felt or thought, and I don't know what was going on through my head, but I told him I wasn't kicking him out of the house, just out of my room. I feel comforted that he is home; I'm doing things to make me feel good.
I don't know what he did later. I went into my room and turned on the TV. There is no TV in the guest room, so I let him have the TV in the living room. It's his TV anyways. Am I being too kind? I think he went to bed early because at 9ish pm the lights were out. At some point in the night I fell asleep.
So I wake up and here I am. I checked my personal email (by compulsion, really) and he had written an email to me repeating all the lies and saying he was ready to talk whenever I wanted to. Oh, he also said that the other woman had given him the mp3 of the ring tone and had said to put it as her ring tone. He said he really didn't think about the lyrics. Again, dumb, clueless or lying, and I think you know which I'm inclined to pick.
I don't know what is going to happen. Part of me thinks about reconciliation because, hey, I married him for a reason, right? Don't I owe it to myself to at least try to work it out? The other part of me thinks I wasted 8 years on this p.o.s. I don't need to waste anymore time. My angry gut feeling is to move on without him.I think my emotions are too raw to decide right now. I don't think I can move on, either with him or without him, if he doesn't confess. If he doesn't realize that he did anything wrong, then what's to say he won't do it again? I feel it's holding me back. I don't think pushing him to confess would do any good. He might confess to confess but feel no remorse.
I don't know what to do during the weekend. I want him to see that I've sort of moved on and that I have a life. I want to show him that I come and go as I please. I plan on opening a bank account in my name so that should keep me entertained in the morning. Financial security is one of the most important things to take care of after d-day. I am glad I take control of our finances and know our financial situation so I can prepare myself for anything. I've also been told to contact a lawyer but it's too soon for me. I feel it would be too final and I'm not at that stage yet. Maybe I'll take my dog to the dogpark.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Confrontation #2
He is a liar.
Rule #1: Never believe a cheater.
Rule #2: If you happen to want to believe a cheater, see Rule#1.
The other woman calls me during work but I don't answer. She leaves a message saying to call her. I don't plan on it.
So yesterday he comes home later than usual. He is home before me everyday but yesterday he got home about 30 minutes after me. I was so angry I wanted to throw his shit out the door. I think if he would have been 2 hours late, I probably would have. Someone suggested to me I throw watermelons off my roof. I don't know if I can manage to get on my roof (they call me Mrs. Clumsy) but the idea of destroying a perfectly good watermelon a la Gallagher seems very appealing. I might try it this weekend.
So I did what I could to preoccupy my mind on something else, I cleaned. Had he come home half an hour later than he did, my house would be spotless.
He comes home while I'm in the middle of washing dishes and goes straight to the bedroom to change out of his work clothes. I swear I wanted to rip his head out, use it as a soccer ball, and then set it on fire (felony count: 1 manslaughter, 1 arson, and 1 unsportsmenlike conduct).
As soon as he is out of the room, he goes and turns on the video game console. That is when I quickly went to the bedroom and closed the door. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I really wasn't sleeping. I just didn't want to be awake to hear that he is around.
You wouldn't believe the behavioral changes I'm going through. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I have nightmares of me coming home to an empty house, and once I had a daymare of him in bed with someone else. I try to not let those thoughts continue. They don't do me much good. On the plus side, I have been great at doing mindless physical activity. I'm running faster, longer - it's all natural adrenaline. I've been cleaning more as well. I think I need to find something manual to occupy my time with. Maybe I'll go back to piano.
Anyways, he continues on the video game console for what seems like hours. And then all of a sudden, I hear him turn on the computer. I thought, "Yes, the POS is going to write to the whore and I'll have evidence!" A few minutes later, he leaves to get fast food (I refuse to cook for him).
I wander around the house and I check his phone. Of course all the text messages and call log has been deleted. But I find her number and for shits and giggles I try to see what ringtone he set for her (he sets different ringtones for everyone, this is not unusual). It's set to Ricardo Arjona's Sin Ti, Sin Mi (romantic song in Spanish - lyrics here: http://www.6lyrics.com/music/ricardo_arjona/lyrics/sin_ti_sin_mi.aspx). I lost it crying. Reflecting this, I don't know why I'm surprised.
I heard the garage door open and I went back into seclusion. I swear I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I just couldn't keep it in, so we had confrontation #2.
He sits there with his work computer where I can't download a key logger (crap). I asked him to please tell me all the truth. Of course he didn't know what was going on, he said there was nothing to say because nothing happened. At this point without evidence of anything physical, I told him he was having an emotional affair and I directed him to two websites that talk about emotional affairs without physical contact. He read them, or at least he said he read them. I have no clue if he really did; I was doing laundry. He said he didn't feel that way at all, that he had no feelings for the other woman other than friendship, that he never tells her anything intimate about us (so her phone call was coincidence).
So it goes on for about another 30 minutes or so, me asking him to tell me the truth and him denying there was anything. He said he thought I was cheating on him because he calls at work during busy season and I never answer (I'm at clients' offices during busy season, it's part of my line of work and he knows it); that I'm always in a hurry when I answer my phone call (because it's busy season, dumbass); that I never call him during lunch (because my lunch break consists of stuffing a sandwich while I continue to work). I told him it wasn't normal to call a friend so often, that as soon as I left to walk our dog, he called her; that he called her the minute he left to play soccer; that he calls her 3 times every morning on his commute to work. It's not normal to hide the phone while he is texting her; that he is obsessed. He at least admitted to that.
There are three things that could be going on:
1. he denies it to himself that he has feels for this other woman,
2. he is dumb and clueless (of which, he has never been in the past) or
3. he is lying (ding, ding, ding!!!).
I told him I wanted to see a marriage counselor and at first he resisted but later said if I felt I needed to go, then he will as well. I'm not sure I want him to go. I don't think he will get anything out of it because he is pretty closed minded about the idea. I plan to set up a first session by myself. I think it would be helpful to get my head straight alone.
We basically end it with no resolution. I think I'm going to apply the 180 (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11). I don't know what else to do.
This morning, he gets up really early and goes to work about an hour early. I know he went to see the other woman. I lost it crying in the bathroom. But before I left, I checked on the key logger to see what was going on. He had a special folder just for her and deleted all the email in the folder. He wrote one email to her telling her that I didn't want to talk to him (this was before confrontation #2) and that he will let her know if anything else happens.
Rule #1: Never believe a cheater.
Rule #2: If you happen to want to believe a cheater, see Rule#1.
The other woman calls me during work but I don't answer. She leaves a message saying to call her. I don't plan on it.
So yesterday he comes home later than usual. He is home before me everyday but yesterday he got home about 30 minutes after me. I was so angry I wanted to throw his shit out the door. I think if he would have been 2 hours late, I probably would have. Someone suggested to me I throw watermelons off my roof. I don't know if I can manage to get on my roof (they call me Mrs. Clumsy) but the idea of destroying a perfectly good watermelon a la Gallagher seems very appealing. I might try it this weekend.
So I did what I could to preoccupy my mind on something else, I cleaned. Had he come home half an hour later than he did, my house would be spotless.
He comes home while I'm in the middle of washing dishes and goes straight to the bedroom to change out of his work clothes. I swear I wanted to rip his head out, use it as a soccer ball, and then set it on fire (felony count: 1 manslaughter, 1 arson, and 1 unsportsmenlike conduct).
As soon as he is out of the room, he goes and turns on the video game console. That is when I quickly went to the bedroom and closed the door. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I really wasn't sleeping. I just didn't want to be awake to hear that he is around.
You wouldn't believe the behavioral changes I'm going through. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. I have nightmares of me coming home to an empty house, and once I had a daymare of him in bed with someone else. I try to not let those thoughts continue. They don't do me much good. On the plus side, I have been great at doing mindless physical activity. I'm running faster, longer - it's all natural adrenaline. I've been cleaning more as well. I think I need to find something manual to occupy my time with. Maybe I'll go back to piano.
Anyways, he continues on the video game console for what seems like hours. And then all of a sudden, I hear him turn on the computer. I thought, "Yes, the POS is going to write to the whore and I'll have evidence!" A few minutes later, he leaves to get fast food (I refuse to cook for him).
I wander around the house and I check his phone. Of course all the text messages and call log has been deleted. But I find her number and for shits and giggles I try to see what ringtone he set for her (he sets different ringtones for everyone, this is not unusual). It's set to Ricardo Arjona's Sin Ti, Sin Mi (romantic song in Spanish - lyrics here: http://www.6lyrics.com/music/ricardo_arjona/lyrics/sin_ti_sin_mi.aspx). I lost it crying. Reflecting this, I don't know why I'm surprised.
I heard the garage door open and I went back into seclusion. I swear I tried to sleep, but it was impossible. I just couldn't keep it in, so we had confrontation #2.
He sits there with his work computer where I can't download a key logger (crap). I asked him to please tell me all the truth. Of course he didn't know what was going on, he said there was nothing to say because nothing happened. At this point without evidence of anything physical, I told him he was having an emotional affair and I directed him to two websites that talk about emotional affairs without physical contact. He read them, or at least he said he read them. I have no clue if he really did; I was doing laundry. He said he didn't feel that way at all, that he had no feelings for the other woman other than friendship, that he never tells her anything intimate about us (so her phone call was coincidence).
So it goes on for about another 30 minutes or so, me asking him to tell me the truth and him denying there was anything. He said he thought I was cheating on him because he calls at work during busy season and I never answer (I'm at clients' offices during busy season, it's part of my line of work and he knows it); that I'm always in a hurry when I answer my phone call (because it's busy season, dumbass); that I never call him during lunch (because my lunch break consists of stuffing a sandwich while I continue to work). I told him it wasn't normal to call a friend so often, that as soon as I left to walk our dog, he called her; that he called her the minute he left to play soccer; that he calls her 3 times every morning on his commute to work. It's not normal to hide the phone while he is texting her; that he is obsessed. He at least admitted to that.
There are three things that could be going on:
1. he denies it to himself that he has feels for this other woman,
2. he is dumb and clueless (of which, he has never been in the past) or
3. he is lying (ding, ding, ding!!!).
I told him I wanted to see a marriage counselor and at first he resisted but later said if I felt I needed to go, then he will as well. I'm not sure I want him to go. I don't think he will get anything out of it because he is pretty closed minded about the idea. I plan to set up a first session by myself. I think it would be helpful to get my head straight alone.
We basically end it with no resolution. I think I'm going to apply the 180 (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11). I don't know what else to do.
This morning, he gets up really early and goes to work about an hour early. I know he went to see the other woman. I lost it crying in the bathroom. But before I left, I checked on the key logger to see what was going on. He had a special folder just for her and deleted all the email in the folder. He wrote one email to her telling her that I didn't want to talk to him (this was before confrontation #2) and that he will let her know if anything else happens.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Confrontation
I'm weak and quite the open book. I just couldn't fake it in the morning. I got up earlier that usual so I wouldn't have to confront him without more concrete evidence. But my cell phone failed me.
Stage two: Anger
I got up, took a shower, got dressed, made lunch, and walked out my merry way, and then I forgot I left the cell phone in the room. I went back and then he was up. I couldn't look at him in the face, I just wanted to sucker-punch the lights out of him. So I walked rapidly past him and got my cell phone but he stopped me at the bedroom door. I tried to leave but he kept asking me what was wrong. I ignored (not wanting to say anything or hurt any body parts). After a few minutes of him asking and me ignoring, he let me go. And then I lost it in the car. I couldn't move and just cried my eyes out.
A few seconds later he opened the car door and asked me what was wrong. I tried to ignore but at this point of sobbing I could only cry more. And then I blurted it out: "You are cheating on me." Of course he denied it; lied right through his teeth. I told him some of the evidence like the minute and text usage and the google search. Some of the things blurted out of his mouth that are probable lies:
"I love you"
"You are the only one I love"
"I married you because I am commited to only loving you"
"What? I can't have friends now?"
"You were snoping through my personal stuff"
"Trust me"
"You don't trust me"
"There is nothing I could do for you to trust me"
"Call her and see we are just friends"
"Would I be so stupid to call from the cell phone even though I know you can see the usage online?" (Love is blind and dumb, my dear)
Eventually, he stormed back in the house and I left.
On the way to work, I got one text message saying I am the only one he loves, and one call where he repeated what he had said above.
Once at work, because I apparently love to torture myself, I checked the minute usage again through the cell phone provider's website. After he called me, he called her once and texted her three times. I want to sucker-punch him in the balls.
If there was any slight thinking that maybe this is just an emotional affair and that it could be ending quickly, just noticing that he called and texted her is enough to kick me right into reality. This is an emotional affair at a point of no return at best. And after two months of this, I really doubt it's that innocent.
I plan to look for a marriage counselor. I don't know what I want out of it. I'm not sure this is worth saving.
Stage two: Anger
I got up, took a shower, got dressed, made lunch, and walked out my merry way, and then I forgot I left the cell phone in the room. I went back and then he was up. I couldn't look at him in the face, I just wanted to sucker-punch the lights out of him. So I walked rapidly past him and got my cell phone but he stopped me at the bedroom door. I tried to leave but he kept asking me what was wrong. I ignored (not wanting to say anything or hurt any body parts). After a few minutes of him asking and me ignoring, he let me go. And then I lost it in the car. I couldn't move and just cried my eyes out.
A few seconds later he opened the car door and asked me what was wrong. I tried to ignore but at this point of sobbing I could only cry more. And then I blurted it out: "You are cheating on me." Of course he denied it; lied right through his teeth. I told him some of the evidence like the minute and text usage and the google search. Some of the things blurted out of his mouth that are probable lies:
"I love you"
"You are the only one I love"
"I married you because I am commited to only loving you"
"What? I can't have friends now?"
"You were snoping through my personal stuff"
"Trust me"
"You don't trust me"
"There is nothing I could do for you to trust me"
"Call her and see we are just friends"
"Would I be so stupid to call from the cell phone even though I know you can see the usage online?" (Love is blind and dumb, my dear)
Eventually, he stormed back in the house and I left.
On the way to work, I got one text message saying I am the only one he loves, and one call where he repeated what he had said above.
Once at work, because I apparently love to torture myself, I checked the minute usage again through the cell phone provider's website. After he called me, he called her once and texted her three times. I want to sucker-punch him in the balls.
If there was any slight thinking that maybe this is just an emotional affair and that it could be ending quickly, just noticing that he called and texted her is enough to kick me right into reality. This is an emotional affair at a point of no return at best. And after two months of this, I really doubt it's that innocent.
I plan to look for a marriage counselor. I don't know what I want out of it. I'm not sure this is worth saving.
I Love Telemarketers
I have a new found affection towards telemarketers. I promise that the next time one calls I will thank them for my discovery day (d-day). I am not being sarcastic. My discovery day began yesterday afternoon with a call from a telemarketer.
I was sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business, when I received a call from a telemarketer on my cell phone. Of course my phone is on the Do Not Call List so I decided to check my cell phone provider's website so I could make a complaint against the telemarketer, and that is when I found it. A hundred calls logged in my husband's line from this one number. For almost the entire month of April, the total minutes to/from this number was 468, totaling about 60% of all his phone minutes (yes, I calculated it). And about 75% of all text messages sent were to this number (the cell phone provider for some reason doesn't provide incoming text message details).
Stage one after d-day: Denial.
I thought, maybe it's his mom? But it wasn't. Or one of his brothers? No dice. Maybe his work? Wrong again. So not finding the answer I did a reverse search on whitepages and the number was tied to a cell phone but that is all the website gave. So I paid about $5 for an people information type website for it to spit out a name. It gave me one that is un-google-able.
I spend the rest of the workday crying, denying it, crying some more. Reviewing and brooding over the minute call list on the cell phone provider's website. Here are some of the patterns I noticed:
1. Calls range from 1 minute to 38 minutes.
2. Calls are made/received between 7 am to 9 pm.
3. The calls began sometime in late February.
4. He calls/texts multiple times a day.
5. For the past week, he has been overly affectionate (one of the signs of cheating) so he would call me two to three times on my way to work. But he would call her first, then me, then her, then me again, repeat.
6. He calls as soon as I am out of the house, either working or walking the dog, etc.
7. He calls her as soon as he is out of the house. Last night, he went at 8:47pm to "play soccer" (not sure I really believe him). He called her as soon as he was in his car.
8. He texts her constantly! Even when I am around.
Here are some other things I noticed:
1. He hides his phone in a way I can't see when he is texting. Before he would usually just text in front of me.
2. He closes websites when I walk by and becomes nervous.
3. He receives text messages late and doesn't check them right away. He waits until he goes to the bathroom/kitchen/living room/office to check them.
4. I reviewed his phone. She has sent him picture messages, but I have not been able to see them.
5. He googled "married and in love with someone else."
6. His birthday was in March and he received a very expensive perfume and aftershave from a "coworker."
7. He bought one or two gifts totaling $88 for one or two coworkers' birthdays in April.
8. He spent all afternoon on Saturday helping a "coworker" move. He needs to spend all day Sunday helping "coworker" move again.
9. He goes straight to the computer when he comes home and does not get off the computer until 11 pm.
10. He recently discovered the landline phone and has it next to the computer in the office.
11. Recently he has been so much more affectionate than usual and we talk a whole lot less.
When I got home, I managed to install a key logger software on the computer. I may not have until Friday to view activity though. Here's hoping I find something a little more concrete.
I was sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business, when I received a call from a telemarketer on my cell phone. Of course my phone is on the Do Not Call List so I decided to check my cell phone provider's website so I could make a complaint against the telemarketer, and that is when I found it. A hundred calls logged in my husband's line from this one number. For almost the entire month of April, the total minutes to/from this number was 468, totaling about 60% of all his phone minutes (yes, I calculated it). And about 75% of all text messages sent were to this number (the cell phone provider for some reason doesn't provide incoming text message details).
Stage one after d-day: Denial.
I thought, maybe it's his mom? But it wasn't. Or one of his brothers? No dice. Maybe his work? Wrong again. So not finding the answer I did a reverse search on whitepages and the number was tied to a cell phone but that is all the website gave. So I paid about $5 for an people information type website for it to spit out a name. It gave me one that is un-google-able.
I spend the rest of the workday crying, denying it, crying some more. Reviewing and brooding over the minute call list on the cell phone provider's website. Here are some of the patterns I noticed:
1. Calls range from 1 minute to 38 minutes.
2. Calls are made/received between 7 am to 9 pm.
3. The calls began sometime in late February.
4. He calls/texts multiple times a day.
5. For the past week, he has been overly affectionate (one of the signs of cheating) so he would call me two to three times on my way to work. But he would call her first, then me, then her, then me again, repeat.
6. He calls as soon as I am out of the house, either working or walking the dog, etc.
7. He calls her as soon as he is out of the house. Last night, he went at 8:47pm to "play soccer" (not sure I really believe him). He called her as soon as he was in his car.
8. He texts her constantly! Even when I am around.
Here are some other things I noticed:
1. He hides his phone in a way I can't see when he is texting. Before he would usually just text in front of me.
2. He closes websites when I walk by and becomes nervous.
3. He receives text messages late and doesn't check them right away. He waits until he goes to the bathroom/kitchen/living room/office to check them.
4. I reviewed his phone. She has sent him picture messages, but I have not been able to see them.
5. He googled "married and in love with someone else."
6. His birthday was in March and he received a very expensive perfume and aftershave from a "coworker."
7. He bought one or two gifts totaling $88 for one or two coworkers' birthdays in April.
8. He spent all afternoon on Saturday helping a "coworker" move. He needs to spend all day Sunday helping "coworker" move again.
9. He goes straight to the computer when he comes home and does not get off the computer until 11 pm.
10. He recently discovered the landline phone and has it next to the computer in the office.
11. Recently he has been so much more affectionate than usual and we talk a whole lot less.
When I got home, I managed to install a key logger software on the computer. I may not have until Friday to view activity though. Here's hoping I find something a little more concrete.
Discovery Day
Discovery Day is a holiday celebrated in many countries to commemorate the discovery of land, gold, or other significant national discoveries.
This is not that kind of discovery day.
In many online relationship forums and chat rooms, discovery day is the day you find out your spouse is cheating. Unfortunately for me, this is that kind of discovery day.
This is my journal from discovery day (or rather, discovery day +1) through ???
We'll see where we go from here. I'm taking it one day at a time.
This is not that kind of discovery day.
In many online relationship forums and chat rooms, discovery day is the day you find out your spouse is cheating. Unfortunately for me, this is that kind of discovery day.
This is my journal from discovery day (or rather, discovery day +1) through ???
We'll see where we go from here. I'm taking it one day at a time.
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